Bring on the tears.....

As a supervisor, I sometimes have to tell people to leave their personal problems at the door. So I have really tried to leave mine at the door, but it has all become a little more than I can bare. I hate for people to see me cry because it makes me feel vulnerable and I HATE feeling vulnerable. The last few weeks have been a huge emotional drain for me. Travis is going through a really bad spell and nothing we do seems to be getting through to him. First we grounded him, but that didn't work. Surely if we take his x-box and TV away, he'll get the point. Yeah right!! Not so much. Okay buddy, no electronics at all; no computer, no Gameboy, no I-pod. Bet that'll teach ya! Nope, not so much. The only thing he was allowed to do was play outside which we really did not want to take away. We were so amazed that when we took everything away, he couldn't wait to get outside everyday. He built a bench, a huge bird condo, a chair, and has a "cat trap" in the works because he wants to catch the stray cat in the neighborhood and keep it for a pet. He played in the woods, made trails and forts, all the normal kid stuff that I grew up doing but kids now-a-days don't do. Anyhoo - he has continued with the bad behavior and seems to be upping the ante everyday. So we finally told him he wasn't allowed out of his room until he learned to make better choices. He's allowed to come out to eat, bathe, and go to school. So what does he do????? Completely trash his room!!! So after several nights of not sleeping, a full on anxiety attack at 4:00 in the morning Wednesday morning, and weeks of feeling like a horrible failure as a mother, I broke down and made an appointment with my favorite doctor at work. He's my unofficial shrink. What I didn't expect was to completely fall to pieces when he walked through the door. And once the flood gates opened, I couldn't close them again no matter how hard I tried. He is such a wonderful listener and makes you feel so safe to just pour your heart out. So I went on and on about what a failure I must be and how I am slowly losing touch with reality....Pity party for one? Your table is ready.
I have gotten to the point that work feels like a break for me and I don't want to come home. And that makes me feel horribly guilty!! But I know what I'm doing at work, I'm good at it, and I can see progress from all of my effort. Lately at home, I feel like I don't know a darn thing and I'm certainly not good at it!! I really have no clue what I'm doing and I feel like I have totally failed this kid. I take it all very personal and feel totally isolated from all of the other parents in my circle (cause you know they all have perfect children). The rational part of my brain knows I shouldn't feel this way, but the emotional part of my brain keeps giving the rational part of my brain the finger!
So Dr. U said all the right things to settle me down and then.......took away my diet pills!!!! OH MY WORD!!!!! NOT the diet pills! I got the deadpan face, "Are you kidding me?" look from him. No sympathy for me there. Apparently while your diet pills are telling your brain you're not hungry, they're also telling your brain that you can't handle stress and the world is out to get you. Hmmmmmm...that sounds vaguely familiar. So I reluctantly agreed to give up my precious diet pills and report back in 3 weeks. Travis goes back to Behavior Therapy a week from Tuesday, which seems like forever away, but it's the soonest they had. Hopefully, we'll all survive until then. I may be 600 pounds by then, but hey. So I came back to my office all puffy-eyed with no make-up left on and a snotty nose. I had brought my personal life to work!! I tried to hide it, but the huge picture window between my office and the lab, makes that really difficult!! Maybe I'll be a little more sympathetic next time someone else's personal life sneaks in the door with them.
Anyway, say a little prayer for all of us, but especially Travis. I'm not quite sure what's going on with him. He's been really good in school for the last 3 years or so and now is just acting out all day, every day. Something's gotta give; and hopefully it won't be my sanity!!!