Bring on the tears.....

As a supervisor, I sometimes have to tell people to leave their personal problems at the door. So I have really tried to leave mine at the door, but it has all become a little more than I can bare. I hate for people to see me cry because it makes me feel vulnerable and I HATE feeling vulnerable. The last few weeks have been a huge emotional drain for me. Travis is going through a really bad spell and nothing we do seems to be getting through to him. First we grounded him, but that didn't work. Surely if we take his x-box and TV away, he'll get the point. Yeah right!! Not so much. Okay buddy, no electronics at all; no computer, no Gameboy, no I-pod. Bet that'll teach ya! Nope, not so much. The only thing he was allowed to do was play outside which we really did not want to take away. We were so amazed that when we took everything away, he couldn't wait to get outside everyday. He built a bench, a huge bird condo, a chair, and has a "cat trap" in the works because he wants to catch the stray cat in the neighborhood and keep it for a pet. He played in the woods, made trails and forts, all the normal kid stuff that I grew up doing but kids now-a-days don't do. Anyhoo - he has continued with the bad behavior and seems to be upping the ante everyday. So we finally told him he wasn't allowed out of his room until he learned to make better choices. He's allowed to come out to eat, bathe, and go to school. So what does he do????? Completely trash his room!!! So after several nights of not sleeping, a full on anxiety attack at 4:00 in the morning Wednesday morning, and weeks of feeling like a horrible failure as a mother, I broke down and made an appointment with my favorite doctor at work. He's my unofficial shrink. What I didn't expect was to completely fall to pieces when he walked through the door. And once the flood gates opened, I couldn't close them again no matter how hard I tried. He is such a wonderful listener and makes you feel so safe to just pour your heart out. So I went on and on about what a failure I must be and how I am slowly losing touch with reality....Pity party for one? Your table is ready.
I have gotten to the point that work feels like a break for me and I don't want to come home. And that makes me feel horribly guilty!! But I know what I'm doing at work, I'm good at it, and I can see progress from all of my effort. Lately at home, I feel like I don't know a darn thing and I'm certainly not good at it!! I really have no clue what I'm doing and I feel like I have totally failed this kid. I take it all very personal and feel totally isolated from all of the other parents in my circle (cause you know they all have perfect children). The rational part of my brain knows I shouldn't feel this way, but the emotional part of my brain keeps giving the rational part of my brain the finger!
So Dr. U said all the right things to settle me down and then.......took away my diet pills!!!! OH MY WORD!!!!! NOT the diet pills! I got the deadpan face, "Are you kidding me?" look from him. No sympathy for me there. Apparently while your diet pills are telling your brain you're not hungry, they're also telling your brain that you can't handle stress and the world is out to get you. Hmmmmmm...that sounds vaguely familiar. So I reluctantly agreed to give up my precious diet pills and report back in 3 weeks. Travis goes back to Behavior Therapy a week from Tuesday, which seems like forever away, but it's the soonest they had. Hopefully, we'll all survive until then. I may be 600 pounds by then, but hey. So I came back to my office all puffy-eyed with no make-up left on and a snotty nose. I had brought my personal life to work!! I tried to hide it, but the huge picture window between my office and the lab, makes that really difficult!! Maybe I'll be a little more sympathetic next time someone else's personal life sneaks in the door with them.
Anyway, say a little prayer for all of us, but especially Travis. I'm not quite sure what's going on with him. He's been really good in school for the last 3 years or so and now is just acting out all day, every day. Something's gotta give; and hopefully it won't be my sanity!!!

Thirteen steps back......

I've been dieting on and off for most of my adult life. I finally joined Weight Watchers a couple of years ago and lost 67 pounds only to gain about 20-30 of it back after my surgery two summers ago. Not that surgery caused the weight gain; the perpetual motion of my hand going to my mouth caused the weight gain!!! So some time around August of 08, I decided enough was enough and went back to Weight Watchers. I've since lost the 20-30 pounds I had gained back and we joined the gym last April. We don't go nearly as often as we should and sometimes it's weeks between gym visits. I was only 30 pounds from my goal weight when I slipped into this horrible funk. I've been super busy with work lately, Jessie's mouth has started to over-run her butt, Travis is, well, being Travis, and I am just depressed!! Of course, I'm a stress eater. I guess actually I'm not really a "stress" eater because I eat when I'm happy, bored, whatever. I've decided I'm addicted to food. My new love is Ay Jalisco Mexican Restaurant. Oh how I wish I had never eaten there!!! I keep telling hubby to quit saying yes every time I put in to eat out, but he's not so very good at saying no to me. Which usually is a good thing. Needless to say, my stress and depression have helped to pack on 13 pounds!! Yep, thirteen pounds in three weeks!! How ridiculous is that?! One of my very favorite doctors at work has referred me to a counselor for binge eating and I think I'm actually gonna go. I hate that I do this to myself!! And the whole time I'm shoving food in my face my little brain is hollering for me to back away from the food!! I even have two friends who are Personal Trainers and they TRY to keep me on track. Notice I said TRY. :)
So yesterday, I got back on the band wagon. I'm back on my "life style change" and back to the gym. Oh my goodness how I despise the gym. All those yahoos that go on and on about how much better they feel after a good workout......horse puckey!!! I did take a fun class called Zumba at the gym. I have never felt more uncoordinated in my life, but I did survive the class and it really was alot of fun. I was supposed to go to a kick boxing class tonight but never made it out the front door. Oh well, I only commited to Monday, Wednesday and Friday this week so I don't feel too guilty. Once I get within 25 pounds of my goal weight I'm making my appointment with the Plastic Surgeon. Bye Bye ham hocks and belly fat, bye bye over-cooked sweet potatoes, hello firm, flat and perky!!!! You'd think that would be incentive enough, but sometimes those sour skittles just jump right into my grimey little paws and I'm forced to eat them!!

Rocking the boat

So hubby and I have always been very involved with our kid's school. And our son Travis has ADD and can be very much a pain the rump somtimes. We, meaning hubby, myself, and Travis have been going round and round with the art teacher at his school since his kindergarten year. Things finally boiled over this year and we requested that he either be withdrawn from Art all together or have a third party observer in the class with him at all times. Originally the Principal (who I love dearly) agreed to the third party observer; but since she is retiring this year and there are staffing shortages (thank you very much US Government!), they were not able to have someone in class with him consistently. Well lo and behold on the day no-one could go with him Travis gets a referral in Art. Imagine that!! Several other issues come up in Art, several phone calls are made to the school, several phone calls are ignored by the school. Hubby gets about all he can stand of being ignored and calls the School Board, threatens to sue the School Board and the art teacher for harrassment, rants, raves, and carries on....Principal is called by the School Board. We still hear nothing from Principal (who I still love dearly). Travis spends two days of Art class in the front office because no-one can go with him. We then receive a letter in the mail from Principal that Travis has been removed from Art class for the rest of the year and he can either use that time to do homework or we can check him out of school early. All well and good, but a simple phone call would have saved them a stamp!!! Then today, we get another letter from his regular teacher (whom I love dearly) attached to a referral. Travis has been a horse's patooty and gotten himself in a world of trouble. Again, all well and good, God bless the poor kid when hubby gets home; but a phone call or email would've sufficed instead of the hand written letter. And the icing on the cake....if we need to discuss any of this, we can schedule a conference with half the dang school!! Why am I angry??? Because for eight years, we have had "conferences" in the parent pick up loop, over dinner, at the soccer games, etc. Or we've exchanged nightly phone calls and emails to try to keep Travis in line. Now all of a sudden, since we rocked the boat with the Art thing, we're treated like strangers and made to feel like horrible parents who have never supported the teachers, administration, or faculty of the school. I want to know when standing up for your kid made you a horrible person who never held their kid responsible for anything???? I've never onced asked anyone to give either of my children special treatment because of our involvement with the school. I've never even expected it!! Oh holy moly am I fired up tonight!!!! I must say that I still love the teacher and principal dearly and will continue to support them 100%. Lord knows I couldn't do their job!! And for those who don't know me and may read this and think I'm one of "THOSE" parents who think there children can do no wrong....NOT! Travis may never see daylight again after today and has no idea I am so terribly upset with these people. I did make the mistake of making the feud with the art teacher a very public one in my house and saying things Travis never should have heard; all of which he has taken to school and repeated!! I'm certainly not parent of the year, but we do try!!
Alright, I feel better now! I'll stop ranting......

Mama's Boy

Since I wrote about Jessica on my first post, I certainly can't leave Travis out so I'll write about him today. Travis has "come easy" to me since getting pregnant with him...literally. We weren't even really trying yet and I was pregnant. The pregnancy was pretty simple except for the fact the his big ole butt was so big I could hardly breathe the last month or so! Birth was easy, nursing was easy. He prefered to sleep in his crib almost immediately. He wasn't a big cuddler, which I did miss because Jessica loved to cuddle. I stayed home with the kids until Travis was almost 2. He was then and has continued to be a big ole Mama's Boy. I couldn't leave him for a minute. He wanted no-one but me. Both endearing and sometimes quite annoying. Travis was such a good boy until somewhere between 2 and 3. OH MY!!! The meanness he would get into was so easily overlooked because he was just so darned cute and oh so loving! Once Jessica started school, he wanted to go to school too and couldn't wait to pick her up every day. He quickly picked up on basic math even before he started school but really struggled with reading and spelling. Once he started school, his behavior got a little worse but we figured it was just an adjustment for him and let it go. He was extremely impulsive though, which got him in trouble quite a bit. To make a really long story short, he was finally diagnosed with ADD. We tried all of the "diets" for ADD and did counseling for oh so long before we finally caved in to meds. What a difference!! We opted for a very mild low dose med because we still wanted him to be a boy and certainly didn't want him to be a perfect child. What would two ding dong parents do with a perfect kid anyway??? The art teacher and Travis haven't gotten along since day one and the old coot has continued to be the bane of my existence ever since! In kindergarten, Travis filled his pockets with little frogs and let them loose in the bathroom in art. Needless to say, Mrs. Coot (not her real name but that's the nice name I call her) calls me at work to report Travis's latest trouble. And I quote "Travis brought frogs to class today and let them go in the bathroom. One of the little girls in class went in after him and came out screaming. One of the frogs had even pooed on the toilet.......". I cracked up laughing!! I mean the fall out of your chair, rolling on the floor laughing! Once I regained my composure I said "Well at least it pooed on the toilet!" and cracked up again. Mrs. Coot did not find it at all funny and was extremely annoyed that I did. I promised her I would have a talk with Travis when he got home. I never mentioned it to him! He had two men for his Kindergarten teachers who thought he was hysterical and for the most part didn't have any problems from him. He is totally, 200% boy and I love him for it. He struggles daily with his ADD, even on meds. His behavior has come a long long way, but he has a hard time staying organized, staying on task, and remembering what the heck he's supposed to be doing. The apple didn't fall far from the tree; I see myself doing the same things every day! He is absolutely brilliant and scores very high on those god forsaken FCAT tests every year but he struggles with grades because he either does the work but loses it before he turns it in, or doesn't do it until after the due date! He starts middle school next year and I honestly don't know what in the world I'm going to do. Keith and I have always been very involved in the elementary school and have "outside" relationships with some of his teachers so it has been easy to keep up with both kids and make sure everything was going well. The elementary school is like something out of The Andy Griffith Show. The Principal is absolutely wonderful and most of the teachers are too (except for Mrs. Coot). Mrs. D warned me when Jessica finished 5th grade that middle school was a whole new world. "You're not in Kansas anymore" she said and boy was she right!! I keep trying to make Travis understand that the people at the middle school don't care who is mama is and I won't be able to keep bailing him out. Hopefully we'll all survive!! But even with all of his troubles, the two of us just "fit". I really truly don't consider him my "favorite", I love both of my kids the same, but Travis has always been easier. Jessica has fought me from day one and is a huge Daddy's girl. Travis has fought Keith from day one and is a huge Mama's boy. We were a house divided for a long time - but years of counseling, behavior therapy and drugs have restored peace to our home and brought the four of us together again. Travis still gets out at school every day and says "I love you mommy" - no matter who is standing there. By fourth grade, Jessica would have rather taken a beating than say that in front of her friends. I know she loves me, but Travis is a mama's boy and doesn't care who knows it! I'm already struggling with sharing him with another woman one day. I keep telling myself that I won't be like my mother in law and I'll be welcoming and loving and non-judgemental and make her my best friend.....and then I wake up and wonder who the heck am I kidding??? :)
I hope that I will be all of those things, but I know it will be difficult. My brother is still a mama's boy and he's 35 - and my mom thinks his wife is a total dingbat most days, but I know it's just because she took her baby boy away.
I have to end this by telling you of the "perfect children" my dear sweet hubby and I planned on having (Patrice - I already hear you cackling!). Patrice had two boys before I got pregnant the first time. They were typical toddler boys doing what all boys do, but in mine and hubbys mind, children should not do those things. It was loud and made messes and made people look at you in public. "Our children will NEVER....." - famous last words of a fool. Needless to say we have eaten our words over and over and over again. I have been stared down in Walmart more times than I can count. I've even told a few nosey newsers that if they didn't like how I was handling my kids I would be glad to let them take them home for a day! I've left buggies full of groceries in Publix because one or both kids decided to have melt down at the stinking candy rack during check out. Who in the heck dreamed up that idea anyway??? I had a woman in Target report to the cashier that a child was being abused in the mens bathroom. I happened to be standing there waiting on Keith and that "abused" child to come out of the bathroom and in full Julia Sugarbacker fashion told her that no, he wasn't being abused and if she didn't believe me I'd be glad to march her into the men's bathroom to find out! They've embarrassed the fool out of me by climbing all underneath the pews at church, or the best one yet, rolling down the window in my truck and climbing out before I even parked. He was so excited to see the friends we were meeting for dinner that he "just couldn't wait for you to park mommy". They've played chase in the middle of KFC. Hubby and I pretended we didn't know them and continued eating. We never leave a restaurant without half of our food and napkins on the floor. The sugar, ketchup, BBQ, napkins, you name it, were all considered play things when they were younger (and sometimes still are). And you know what? I didn't give two hoots cause it kept them quiet!!!! I'm sure there was a couple somewhere thinking "Our children will NEVER...." - again, famous last words of a fool.